This is a very personal post for me but felt it was important to share. There are many things that came together that culminated in what I’m about to share with you today but suffice it to say that I had to trust the healing process and the ability to be present at the precise moment to allow me to receive this beautiful gift.
I had a personal encounter few days ago with someone that I had gone out in the past, not just dated but someone that I felt in my heart I truly loved. The relationship didn’t work out the way I thought it might not because I wasn’t willing but because the other person was in a different place. As we chatted, he mentioned all the fond memories he had about me: resting my head on his shoulder, putting my hand on his back, him embracing me while we were cooking together and more.
As I was driving home, I could have let my mind go in a thousand directions but I chose to be present to the moment. I purposely stayed in the moment and recalled the fond memories together rather than the reasons why the relationship didn’t work and everything that went wrong.
I woke up the next morning at 5’o clock and now my mind is doing its own thing, hard to control it when you are still half asleep. Lying in bed I started to think that many of his recollections had a physical component to it but what warmed my heart or should I say caught me by surprise was that something in me was awakened, not in a sexual way but in a “I am alive physically way!”
I thought to the last time I felt this way and I remembered not my first boyfriend but my first love. I met him when I was 13 but totally ignored him until I was 18 and the moment with got together, it was magical—like fireworks at the end of the night in Disney World! Again, I’m not talking about a sexual feeling but more of an “I am alive” type of feeling. Unfortunately, we broke up two years later and two years after that I found out he was killed accidentally during an armed robbery. Looking back now I can see how part of me died slowly that day but now here I am almost 35+ years later and I reminded of that amazing and profound “I am alive” again feeling.
Reminiscing to that encounter few days ago I thought that I could have chosen to focus on the crazy noise in my head and the stories we all tell our self of not being good enough and those feeling that don’t allow us to feel our emotions but instead I chose to feel the pain, the hurt, the joy, the happiness and by staying in that moment I was able to receive a beautiful gift. I feel so blessed to be reminded that I’m very much alive!
What are you not present to today?
Fearless Frances
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